The great thing about living in an apartment building with molecular-thin walls, is that you hear your neighbors: human or not. There's a free pet policy where I live so it's not uncommon to hear dogs barking, whining or snoring along with their owners. (Barking you ask? Read 'Bend, Breathe, Be'.) What's even more convenient than hearing their daily happenings is hearing their alarm clocks. Everyday. At 5 pm. Not annoying really, although I could use it at, say, 6:15 am. Then I might actually get up in the morning, unable to hit snooze 20 times. At five minutes per snooze, yes, I oversleep my alarm an hour every morning. Which brought me to this morning: running late. Again.
I'm starting a new, healthy routine of eating breakfast before leaving for work. It would work if I changed other aspects of my morning (such as setting my alarm earlier to compensate for the needed time for Bran Flakes), but of course I don't. So, at 7:46 I'm applying lipgloss, dodging puddles, zipping my jacket and combing my hair as I race to my car. I get in, slam the door, check for wallet, cellphone, lunch, umbrella. Good. Car in reverse. Drive. Ah, neutral! Drive. And carefully make my way down the narrow alley overflowing with cars. Lucky people who work nights and are still sleeping!
It's then that I catch the eye of a homeless man picking through the dumpster. He stops, looks at his watch, points to it and shakes his head. His one look told me everything: "Really? You're leaving for work now? I'm guessing you probably should have gone to bed earlier young lady! You know, sometime you're going to have to grow up and take some responsibility for your actions! Your boss isn't paying you to come in at 8:15!"
Isn't it great to have surrogate fathers?
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
A Dozen Things That Strike Me as Funny: LOL!
12. Pianos that need to be watered -- similar to a cat or house plant.
11. Diets that allow one to EAT ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AS MUCH AS YOU WANT!!!!!!!!!!NEVER GAIN A POUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. Other people's bad hair days (could be yours!)
9. As seen in the Indy yellow pages: We take care of your pets like you do: butt scratches FREE!!!
8. Biology textbook that described a woman's menstrual cycle as "a full-blown hormonal symphony"
7. Cher, Elongated Entertainer
6. Watching friends come up with an excuse as to why they never returned your call: "I was-- bathing."
5. Hearing, "So, you're Karissa Stel's sister", by a man who has a lisp.
4. Forgetting which friends are lactose-intolerant and only remembering after having offered them bites of my delicious cottage cheese.
3. Doing #4 repeatedly
2. Old wine on sale --oh, the irony!
1. "All the Stel's on the dance floor!" --future brother-in-law
11. Diets that allow one to EAT ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AS MUCH AS YOU WANT!!!!!!!!!!NEVER GAIN A POUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. Other people's bad hair days (could be yours!)
9. As seen in the Indy yellow pages: We take care of your pets like you do: butt scratches FREE!!!
8. Biology textbook that described a woman's menstrual cycle as "a full-blown hormonal symphony"
7. Cher, Elongated Entertainer
6. Watching friends come up with an excuse as to why they never returned your call: "I was-- bathing."
5. Hearing, "So, you're Karissa Stel's sister", by a man who has a lisp.
4. Forgetting which friends are lactose-intolerant and only remembering after having offered them bites of my delicious cottage cheese.
3. Doing #4 repeatedly
2. Old wine on sale --oh, the irony!
1. "All the Stel's on the dance floor!" --future brother-in-law
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Back to Bachelorette
I'm back in the "available" category for dating and it's not going well. First tip: take off the silver, shiny ring. Second tip: don't mention the 'w' word when you come across available bachelors.
I went to Staples on a task for my sister, the bride-to-be. A cute guy greeted me at the door. (!!!)
"WelcometoStaplesOfficeSupplieswhereyourofficeneedsmatter!HowcanIhelpyoutoday?" (He spoke quickly, nervous, may I suggest, by my good looks.)
"Hi there! I'm looking for wedding invitations."
"Uh, Cindycanhelpyouwiththat. CINDY!" (I noticed a hint of disappointment flicker across his face. His eyes also landed on my diamond-less ring on my left hand and disappointed turned to confused.)
Cindy was very helpful.
Next I went to the library and asked for help from a friendly, male, librarian, about my age. Single perhaps?
"Hi! Can I help you find something?"
"Yes, I'm looking for books on weddings."
"Okay. There." He vaguely pointed in the direction of the escalator that leads to five massive floors. I figured I could find them myself. Liberated woman, right?
After I found a healthy stack of white and pink wedding books, I got caught in the "COMPUTER QUIET ZONE!!!!!!!" on a computer between two men. To the left is a man, in his fifties, who can't shut-up. To my right, a man about my age thoroughly enjoying loud, crunchy chips that smell like bacon.
"MMM! Those look good!"
(silence)
"Are they bacon flavored?"
He takes another, CRUNCH!, and places the bag on the other side of his keyboard. Apparently he regards the QUIET ZONE!!!!!!! seriously.
"You're sure a purty girl! I can't concentrate on my typing! And it mustn't be your wedding cause you don't have the rock to go with it! But if I was your age. Whew! I'd be a flirtin' with ya! Yes ma'am."
I blushed. Small smile.
"That's a sure purty smile. You must have a lot of boys a chasin' ya!"
"Actually, no, I don't."
"I wonder--"
CRUNCH! Guy to the right is smirking.
"I wonder why th--"
CRUNCH!CRUNCH!
"I wonder why that there is?"
Me too.
I went to Staples on a task for my sister, the bride-to-be. A cute guy greeted me at the door. (!!!)
"WelcometoStaplesOfficeSupplieswhereyourofficeneedsmatter!HowcanIhelpyoutoday?" (He spoke quickly, nervous, may I suggest, by my good looks.)
"Hi there! I'm looking for wedding invitations."
"Uh, Cindycanhelpyouwiththat. CINDY!" (I noticed a hint of disappointment flicker across his face. His eyes also landed on my diamond-less ring on my left hand and disappointed turned to confused.)
Cindy was very helpful.
Next I went to the library and asked for help from a friendly, male, librarian, about my age. Single perhaps?
"Hi! Can I help you find something?"
"Yes, I'm looking for books on weddings."
"Okay. There." He vaguely pointed in the direction of the escalator that leads to five massive floors. I figured I could find them myself. Liberated woman, right?
After I found a healthy stack of white and pink wedding books, I got caught in the "COMPUTER QUIET ZONE!!!!!!!" on a computer between two men. To the left is a man, in his fifties, who can't shut-up. To my right, a man about my age thoroughly enjoying loud, crunchy chips that smell like bacon.
"MMM! Those look good!"
(silence)
"Are they bacon flavored?"
He takes another, CRUNCH!, and places the bag on the other side of his keyboard. Apparently he regards the QUIET ZONE!!!!!!! seriously.
"You're sure a purty girl! I can't concentrate on my typing! And it mustn't be your wedding cause you don't have the rock to go with it! But if I was your age. Whew! I'd be a flirtin' with ya! Yes ma'am."
I blushed. Small smile.
"That's a sure purty smile. You must have a lot of boys a chasin' ya!"
"Actually, no, I don't."
"I wonder--"
CRUNCH! Guy to the right is smirking.
"I wonder why th--"
CRUNCH!CRUNCH!
"I wonder why that there is?"
Me too.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Fells Wargo
I recently called my bank, Fells Wargo*, to request an account closure. I have two accounts with them: checking and savings. I asked that they transfer all funds from savings into checking and then close the savings account. I would later close the checking account once all outstanding checks had cleared. This is how the blogging material came to be:
"Hi there! Welcome to Fells Wargo! How can I help you today?"
"Yes, hi. I'd like to transfer all funds from my savings account to my checking account and then close my savings account."
"I'm unable to do that for you, ma'am."
"Um. Well, that's what I'd like to do today."
"Is there a reason that you'd like to close this account, Ms. Stel?"
"Yes. There are no Fells Wargo's where I live. It's a little inconvenient."
"Well, we have online banking. Would you care to use that?"
"I already do... But I'd like to close the account just the same."
"I can't close an account with funds still in it."
"Oh! Well in that case, please transfer all my savings to my checking and then close the savings account."
I figured it was clear enough. I checked my online statement later that day to make sure the transfer/closure had occurred. It hadn't. So, phone call #2:
"Hi there! Welcome to Fells Wargo! How can I help you today?"
"Uh, yes. I called earlier..."
It was a similar conversation. No we can't do that. Have you tried online banking? How else can I make this process more painful for you? Etc. I finally convinced customer sales rep #2 that I, in fact, did want to have them do what I had called for.
And so, a few days later, I checked to be sure. Yes! There was a transfer! But wait. There were TWO transfers. Exactly the same amount. Apparently you call twice, they transfer twice. Neat!
My conscience got the better of me and about a month or two later I called to clear up the confusion.
"Hi there! Welcome to Fel.."
"Hi. I called to blahblahblah... Please take the extra transfer off my account."
"I'm sorry ma'am, I can't do that. I can't transfer funds back to an account that is closed. Would you like to reopen your savings account? Then I could transfer the funds back... And was there a reason why you no longer want to bank with Fells Wargo?"
I held my tongue and hung up. Hopefully my online statement would soon be corrected. I checked a few days later and all was good: transfer reversed, savings account closed.
And then, unbelievably, I received a notice in the mail from Fells Wargo:
Dear Valued Customer,
This is a notice of an overdraft fee from your savings account. You will be charged $39 for this erroneous act. We enjoy serving you!
Sincerely,
Fells Wargo
Just one phone call later had the charge reversed, thank you very much! With prompt service like that I wonder why I closed the account in the first place.
*I've appropriately renamed it Bass Ackwards
"Hi there! Welcome to Fells Wargo! How can I help you today?"
"Yes, hi. I'd like to transfer all funds from my savings account to my checking account and then close my savings account."
"I'm unable to do that for you, ma'am."
"Um. Well, that's what I'd like to do today."
"Is there a reason that you'd like to close this account, Ms. Stel?"
"Yes. There are no Fells Wargo's where I live. It's a little inconvenient."
"Well, we have online banking. Would you care to use that?"
"I already do... But I'd like to close the account just the same."
"I can't close an account with funds still in it."
"Oh! Well in that case, please transfer all my savings to my checking and then close the savings account."
I figured it was clear enough. I checked my online statement later that day to make sure the transfer/closure had occurred. It hadn't. So, phone call #2:
"Hi there! Welcome to Fells Wargo! How can I help you today?"
"Uh, yes. I called earlier..."
It was a similar conversation. No we can't do that. Have you tried online banking? How else can I make this process more painful for you? Etc. I finally convinced customer sales rep #2 that I, in fact, did want to have them do what I had called for.
And so, a few days later, I checked to be sure. Yes! There was a transfer! But wait. There were TWO transfers. Exactly the same amount. Apparently you call twice, they transfer twice. Neat!
My conscience got the better of me and about a month or two later I called to clear up the confusion.
"Hi there! Welcome to Fel.."
"Hi. I called to blahblahblah... Please take the extra transfer off my account."
"I'm sorry ma'am, I can't do that. I can't transfer funds back to an account that is closed. Would you like to reopen your savings account? Then I could transfer the funds back... And was there a reason why you no longer want to bank with Fells Wargo?"
I held my tongue and hung up. Hopefully my online statement would soon be corrected. I checked a few days later and all was good: transfer reversed, savings account closed.
And then, unbelievably, I received a notice in the mail from Fells Wargo:
Dear Valued Customer,
This is a notice of an overdraft fee from your savings account. You will be charged $39 for this erroneous act. We enjoy serving you!
Sincerely,
Fells Wargo
Just one phone call later had the charge reversed, thank you very much! With prompt service like that I wonder why I closed the account in the first place.
*I've appropriately renamed it Bass Ackwards
Saturday, August 23, 2008
The US Postal Service Theatre
While ex art majors are employed as admin assistants or fruitlessly looking for art-related jobs, it appears that ex theatre majors are finding their role at the United States post office. It was Saturday morning and the line of bored, waiting, silent customers stretched from the "Please Wait Here" sign to the "Entrance ONLY" door. I was somewhere in the middle between Mr. Need-to-check-my-cell-phone-every-other-second and Ms. I-need-to-chew-my-gum-louder. But I was unable to keep my grumpy attitude for long. 'Steve', the long-haired man behind the counter was serving each customer with such drama, it was difficult for my twitching mouth to not laugh out loud.
"And how may I help yooooou today?" Steve smiled, graciously bowed and took the cream postal slip from the unamused customer. "Ahhhh! I see you've received a lovely packet from a Mr..., excuse me, the IRS! Do you care to accept it?"
The man nodded and I caught a hint of a glare.
"Here you go, Sir!" Steve handed him the package and bowed again. "Anything else I ca.." The man was already gone.
The next man stepped forward."And how may I help yoooou today?" Each customer seemed to be getting more of the dripping dramatic voice Steve could only have perfected in acting school. I almost felt sorry for his eagerness. The customer handed him a small envelope.
"Okay, Mr. ah Hutchinson, yes! Are there any weapons, sharp objects, liquids or threatening substances of any kind in this packet?"
"No. It's a CD"
"Well, that takes care of that! Now, how quickly do ah," he looked at the addressee,"Vickie and Harold need this CD?"
"Whenever."
"Okay, well we'll put that at First Class then and hey, we don't want them to get a broken piece of plastic now do we? We'll just stamp a few 'fragile' stamps and ..." He held it up for Mr. Hutchinson's inspection, "Good to go?!" He smiled triumphantly and the man, still not smiling, handed him the cash. "Anything else today, Sir?" The man disappeared through the "Exit ONLY" door. I was next in line.
"Helloooo miss! How can I help yooooou today?" I handed him my packet slip and he disappeared to find my box of contacts. "You have a message from the king!" He nearly shouted as he rounded the corner back to where I stood biting my lip to stop my sure, shocked laughter. "The Contact Lens King, that is!" He enunciated each word to reach the furthest section of audience now crammed in the never-ending line. "Do you care to accept this, Miss?"
"Yes. And here's my ID that you usually ask to see?" I opened my wallet and showed him my Indiana driver's license. Steve inspected it closely.
"Very nice photo, Miss. Thank you for showing it to me, but it wasn't necessary!"
I blushed, took the package and remembered I needed stamps.
"Is there anythi--" Steve's stage voice made me want to play along. No one else in the room was talking. I began with a bit too much animation.
"Yes, Sir! I need some stamps. What have you got for me today?"
He seemed to greatly appreciate my new-found interest in postage and began to display dozens of stamps on the counter:
"We've got Bette Davis, horse-shoes, tree leaves, bird feathers..."
"I'll take the Forever stamps. You still sell those, right?"
"Ahhh, YES! A very popular choice! A very popular choice, indeed!!!"
He finished the transaction, grinned and bowed as I left. The door closed but not before I heard the now-familiar "How can I help yooooou today?"
"And how may I help yooooou today?" Steve smiled, graciously bowed and took the cream postal slip from the unamused customer. "Ahhhh! I see you've received a lovely packet from a Mr..., excuse me, the IRS! Do you care to accept it?"
The man nodded and I caught a hint of a glare.
"Here you go, Sir!" Steve handed him the package and bowed again. "Anything else I ca.." The man was already gone.
The next man stepped forward."And how may I help yoooou today?" Each customer seemed to be getting more of the dripping dramatic voice Steve could only have perfected in acting school. I almost felt sorry for his eagerness. The customer handed him a small envelope.
"Okay, Mr. ah Hutchinson, yes! Are there any weapons, sharp objects, liquids or threatening substances of any kind in this packet?"
"No. It's a CD"
"Well, that takes care of that! Now, how quickly do ah," he looked at the addressee,"Vickie and Harold need this CD?"
"Whenever."
"Okay, well we'll put that at First Class then and hey, we don't want them to get a broken piece of plastic now do we? We'll just stamp a few 'fragile' stamps and ..." He held it up for Mr. Hutchinson's inspection, "Good to go?!" He smiled triumphantly and the man, still not smiling, handed him the cash. "Anything else today, Sir?" The man disappeared through the "Exit ONLY" door. I was next in line.
"Helloooo miss! How can I help yooooou today?" I handed him my packet slip and he disappeared to find my box of contacts. "You have a message from the king!" He nearly shouted as he rounded the corner back to where I stood biting my lip to stop my sure, shocked laughter. "The Contact Lens King, that is!" He enunciated each word to reach the furthest section of audience now crammed in the never-ending line. "Do you care to accept this, Miss?"
"Yes. And here's my ID that you usually ask to see?" I opened my wallet and showed him my Indiana driver's license. Steve inspected it closely.
"Very nice photo, Miss. Thank you for showing it to me, but it wasn't necessary!"
I blushed, took the package and remembered I needed stamps.
"Is there anythi--" Steve's stage voice made me want to play along. No one else in the room was talking. I began with a bit too much animation.
"Yes, Sir! I need some stamps. What have you got for me today?"
He seemed to greatly appreciate my new-found interest in postage and began to display dozens of stamps on the counter:
"We've got Bette Davis, horse-shoes, tree leaves, bird feathers..."
"I'll take the Forever stamps. You still sell those, right?"
"Ahhh, YES! A very popular choice! A very popular choice, indeed!!!"
He finished the transaction, grinned and bowed as I left. The door closed but not before I heard the now-familiar "How can I help yooooou today?"
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Lost in Translation
Friday's are bagle days at the place where I work. It means a delicious assortment of Panera bagles coupled with an equally delicious array of cream cheeses. I went to the break room at noon to grab one for lunch. The Algerian IT guy, "Sem" was there enjoying lunch with his equally foreigner friend.
"Ahhh, Lauralee! This your last day here?", Sem asked.
"No, Monday is. I'll be working here Monday afteroon yet."
"Ahhh, so Monday your last day?"
"Yes." I grabbed a napkin and picked out a cinnamon crunch bagle then went to check the cream cheeses.
Sem nodded and continued to eat his lunch.
"You look like you've gained weight." He motioned his hands around his face, like that's where my noticeable weight gain was, and smiled.
I didn't know how to respond. So I laughed. "Sem!! You don't say that!"
"Well, yeah, it's true, yeah? You've gained weight?"
I couldn't believe he didn't get the first hint. His foreigner friend gave me a toothy grin and ate a french fry while Sem enjoyed a bite of his Mexican cuisine. So many cultures present, I wondered if my Canadian/American/Dutch-ism was why I was so offended! Surely this must be an appropriate comment in every other place on earth!?
I shook my head, waved goodbye and headed back to my cubicle and American friends.
"You'll never guess what Sem, the IT guy, said to me!"
"What?" The three female coworkers looked up at me expectantly.
"It looks like you've gained weight."
"Uh-uh!"
"You're kidding."
"That's unbelievable! Why would he, or anyone ever say that!?"
I shook my head. "I have no idea!"
"I would have cried."
"What did you say!?"
And my favorite response:
"Want a slice of pizza?"
"Ahhh, Lauralee! This your last day here?", Sem asked.
"No, Monday is. I'll be working here Monday afteroon yet."
"Ahhh, so Monday your last day?"
"Yes." I grabbed a napkin and picked out a cinnamon crunch bagle then went to check the cream cheeses.
Sem nodded and continued to eat his lunch.
"You look like you've gained weight." He motioned his hands around his face, like that's where my noticeable weight gain was, and smiled.
I didn't know how to respond. So I laughed. "Sem!! You don't say that!"
"Well, yeah, it's true, yeah? You've gained weight?"
I couldn't believe he didn't get the first hint. His foreigner friend gave me a toothy grin and ate a french fry while Sem enjoyed a bite of his Mexican cuisine. So many cultures present, I wondered if my Canadian/American/Dutch-ism was why I was so offended! Surely this must be an appropriate comment in every other place on earth!?
I shook my head, waved goodbye and headed back to my cubicle and American friends.
"You'll never guess what Sem, the IT guy, said to me!"
"What?" The three female coworkers looked up at me expectantly.
"It looks like you've gained weight."
"Uh-uh!"
"You're kidding."
"That's unbelievable! Why would he, or anyone ever say that!?"
I shook my head. "I have no idea!"
"I would have cried."
"What did you say!?"
And my favorite response:
"Want a slice of pizza?"
Monday, July 14, 2008
Bend. Breathe. Be.
Inspired by it's brochure that promised relaxation techniques at an affordable price, I signed up for my first-ever yoga class. A friend from church decided to join too and we attended the first session together. It went a little differently than I envisioned.
We arrived early and prepped in the bathroom. I overheard a woman in the next stall chatting excitedly on her cell phone:
"I'm starting yoga today. Yup, I'm all ready and dressed. This is gonna be fun!"
"Really? That's great."
"Yup. It starts real soon and I am ready!"
"Okay, well you have a good time."
"Oh, I will. Yoga, here I come!"
It was then that I realized that it must be two women in the stall, as I was hearing both sides of the coversation. I shrugged my shoulders and headed to the sinks. The stall door opened and "Jacquelyn" exited--alone.
By the time we were all seated cross-legged on our mats, I knew that Jacquelyn would most likely be the opposite of anyone you would expect to find (hmm, or want) in a yoga class. During introductions hers went something like this:
"Hi! I'm Jacquelyn! This is my first yoga class and I'm crazy. Well, no I'm not really crazy. HA! Yes, I am crazy! This is our first yoga. Hahahaaa!" I smiled politely and uncrossed my cramping legs. Our instructor,Leslie, began the lesson:
"Okay! Our first lesson is to breathe. Deeeeeeep breathes. Feel it?"
"Yup! Oh I feel it! That's great! Oh yah! I feeeeel it" Jacquelyn shouted.
"Now, relax. Bend."
The soothing voice of Leslie was interrupted by Jacquelyn's energetic one.
"Oh I'm bending! WOOOO!"
We changed to another position. Leslie explained:
"Okay, next we're going to do Downward Facing Dog."
We didn't have to wait long for Jacquelyn to comment.
"Dog? Like D-O-G? Like the animal?" She barked. "Hahaha! Sorry about that! I meow too. MEEOUW!"
Pure surprise that she had just made animal sounds kept me from yelling at her. My first yoga class was turning into a test of patience! I guess there is an element of will-power in that. Lucky for us, Jacquelyn loooooved the class and would be sure to come next week. Yes, lucky us.
We arrived early and prepped in the bathroom. I overheard a woman in the next stall chatting excitedly on her cell phone:
"I'm starting yoga today. Yup, I'm all ready and dressed. This is gonna be fun!"
"Really? That's great."
"Yup. It starts real soon and I am ready!"
"Okay, well you have a good time."
"Oh, I will. Yoga, here I come!"
It was then that I realized that it must be two women in the stall, as I was hearing both sides of the coversation. I shrugged my shoulders and headed to the sinks. The stall door opened and "Jacquelyn" exited--alone.
By the time we were all seated cross-legged on our mats, I knew that Jacquelyn would most likely be the opposite of anyone you would expect to find (hmm, or want) in a yoga class. During introductions hers went something like this:
"Hi! I'm Jacquelyn! This is my first yoga class and I'm crazy. Well, no I'm not really crazy. HA! Yes, I am crazy! This is our first yoga. Hahahaaa!" I smiled politely and uncrossed my cramping legs. Our instructor,Leslie, began the lesson:
"Okay! Our first lesson is to breathe. Deeeeeeep breathes. Feel it?"
"Yup! Oh I feel it! That's great! Oh yah! I feeeeel it" Jacquelyn shouted.
"Now, relax. Bend."
The soothing voice of Leslie was interrupted by Jacquelyn's energetic one.
"Oh I'm bending! WOOOO!"
We changed to another position. Leslie explained:
"Okay, next we're going to do Downward Facing Dog."
We didn't have to wait long for Jacquelyn to comment.
"Dog? Like D-O-G? Like the animal?" She barked. "Hahaha! Sorry about that! I meow too. MEEOUW!"
Pure surprise that she had just made animal sounds kept me from yelling at her. My first yoga class was turning into a test of patience! I guess there is an element of will-power in that. Lucky for us, Jacquelyn loooooved the class and would be sure to come next week. Yes, lucky us.
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